Recovery and Third Spaces
"What are some third spaces that you all frequent? Outside of church and the library and bars, I honestly can't think of any others". This was a question that caused me to pause, when I was perusing Reddit one day. The user expressed genuine curiosity as to what else could qualify as a third space because they could not imagine others for themselves. They felt that some spaces were inaccessible to them due to cost or just were not spaces they felt generated the depth of connection that they were seeking. This user felt a lack of open spaces that foster community connection so deeply that they were openly seeking new ideas to explore.
Folx happily chimed in. Some indicated that the library was a safe space for them whether they sat around and read books or if they participated in events that the library held. (Side Note: Libraries rock.) Some talked about clubs/interest groups, or their art studio, or their college campus or a pool hall. My favorite answer was that folx enjoy going to cemeteries to keep their corporeal community members feeling connected- which I found both delightful and macabre. Most importantly, many other folx shared the original poster's point of view- that they, too, did not know where to find community of like minded people where they could connect, relax and be present. I felt this sentiment deep in my bones. Is this something that you can relate to?
My overall take away from reading that post was that folx had a deep desire to be connected, but struggled to think of ways outside of religion and social gatherings in clubs/bars and the library to find connection. Then, I started thinking about my own recovery journey and how finding those joyful, safe spaces was hard. At that point, most of my socialization revolved around drugs and alcohol. Whether it be in bars or at night clubs. I had virtually no hobbies and lost interest in the ones that did bring me peace. I was out of touch with family and friends. Queer spaces, especially seemed to revolve around alcohol culture and were most often held in clubs. In a society where drug culture is so prevalent, how DO we, particularly queer folx, find those safe, sober spaces and what does that even look like?
What are Third Spaces?
If you frequent the internet, I am sure you've at least glanced over the word when browsing. Third Spaces are places, physical places, outside of your family and work system in which you can partake in activities that are relaxing, playful, mindful and foster a deep sense of connection with your environment, others and yourself. They should be inexpensive, if not free. (Everything is better when its free). And that’s not something that is easily found- most events cost money or are inaccessible to us for various other reasons. The most important feature of Third Spaces is that it fosters community and breaks people free of the routine that we can often feel trapped by. I find the concept incredibly beautiful and moving considering western culture totes individualistic, instead of collective, mindsets until we're literally hoarse. It makes it feel like the constant need to separate others from others is the norm and can leave us feeling lonely and isolated. This idea of moving with community instead of outside of it is not widely celebrated. It's about finding ways to move through life that are spontaneous, creating a full, well rounded life that isn't only governed by our many roles.
Why are Third Spaces important in Recovery?
I find that Third Spaces and Recovery go hand and hand because we are told in early recovery that we have to change 'people, places and things'. In order to protect our wellness, we should change our routines, places that we normally would go and quite possibly shift who we spend our time with. We can consider not going to bars or visiting friends that enable us. We may want to find places were other folx in recovery congregate and engage in new patterns that support us being well and feeling safe. Like most things in recovery, that sounds relatively easy but that’s far from the case. Especially if you are queer and/or BIPOC. It's a simple concept, but its not easy. Particularly because, most events have the option to consume alcohol. Not only that, heteronormative and white spaces are more common than not. A lot of articles that I have seen talk about bars, pubs and beer gardens being one of the most popular third spaces for folx. Even our family get-togethers can involve partaking.
In the beginning of my recovery, I was fortunate that I was placed in a sober living home. I was surrounded by folx who were on their own recovery journey. I had to go to meetings, I had to get a sponsor and I had to go to therapy (Thank the Universe). I was also lucky enough that my family and friends distanced themselves from me. I had no option there to fall back into old codependent behavior patterns. (Note: I am not being sarcastic when I say I was lucky that my family and friends chose to take care of themselves and were distant. Nothing says " I love you" more than your loved ones choosing to care for themselves and not enable poor choices. It took me a while to learn that. But more about that later.) I like to say that I was forced to try new things, otherwise I likely would not have, and I am grateful for that. Suddenly, going to bars was replaced by going coffee shops or diners by my sober living house. I traded hanging out with old friends to going to 12 step recovery meetings. I traded drinking alone, with going on walks in parks and enjoying nature. I found that making small changes first, turn into making bigger changes later.
What are some benefits of Third Spaces?
One of the beautiful things, and possibly my favorite, about third spaces is it's not only creating new routines and being in new spaces, but its about being able to learn how to cultivate joy and embrace play. Maybe for the first time in our lives. When I got sober, I found that I'd forgotten what joy felt like. I realized that I didn't know how to engage in playful moments. I forgotten what it felt like to be carefree and to laugh with abandon. When people said that you needed to 'find serenity' I had no idea what that meant and it felt really scary. On top of that, it was suggested I create new social circles where I was encouraged to lean into being authentic with folx, when I didn't know who I was. To lean into it all, I had to practice a lot of vulnerability. I had to lean into moments of being seen, even when I felt so awkward that all I wanted to do was to disappear into the floor. I learned to laugh at myself and my human-ness. I watched how others interacted with their environment. I paid attention to how I felt. I watched how I interacted with others. Third Spaces helped me lean into joy. It took time, a lot of time, for that awkwardness to lessen (to be fair: I still experience this awkwardness sometimes) but I found the ability to lean into it became easier the more I practiced.
Third Spaces allow us to try new activities, or lean back into activities that we once found fulfilling. I went to the library A LOT as a child. I was actually limited on the number of books I could bring home because I would literally check out the entire library collection if I was left to my own devices. So, in early sobriety, I started going back to the library. I found that the library had events that the community could participate in. I went to an art night once and got to experience producing art in a sober environment. I loved to do art when I was younger, and I lost touch with it when I was caught in active addiction. I found it hard to get back into it when I got sober. I found that by doing it in a group, I could share my worries. I could try and laugh at my missteps. I could watch others participate in their process and share in that with them. I could try and let go of control and lean into the process. Even now, years later, the library is still one of my favorite places. Not only do I still participant in events, but I run a few myself.
It's also important that I continue to find new spaces. That helps me keep things fresh and to always ensure that I am evolving to care for myself as best as I can. Last year, I started taking classes to learn how to do the Lindy Hop. I often frequent 'Swing Dancing Nights' with my partner and friends at different dancing venues. Some of these places do serve alcohol, but not all of them do. Even so, the focus is on dancing and the libations are secondary. That's been a thrilling way to foster my mind-body connection and practice openness with new people. I've even come across a few folx that are in recovery! Let me tell you, getting the nerve to ask someone to dance and engaging in platonic touch with a stranger is a crash course in practicing vulnerability. And honestly, it's just a ridiculous amount of fun. These spaces continue to allow me to lean back into old hobbies and produced new ones along the way.
Taking the Leap
Recovery is often described as 'getting back to oneself' and the life that they knew. For me, I found that recovery was about discovering a whole new way of living and uncovering the person that I was meant to be. At the end, I was so isolated that if I went back to the way that I was living, I do not believe that I would have been successful in my journey. For a while, I did not think that was possible. I was awkward, quiet and often times didn't know what to do with my hands. I've heard over the years 'if the body goes, the mind will follow'. I take this as meaning that I have to take big leaps sometimes. I needed to challenge myself and remind myself that the risks that I am taking are to encourage and nurture a new way of life. It's to save my life. It took some time and ingenuity, and lots and lots of patience. It took being vulnerable and being open to new experiences.
I have found spaces that allowed me to be my true self and lean into playful ways of living. I have found spaces were I feel safe, can find laughter, and that help me get outside of my comfort zone. I encourage you, even if you aren't in recovery, to discover what spaces outside of your routine help you feel playful, mindful, and connected. What ways can we create third spaces for ourselves? To expand on that, how do we create this in our communities? Are there third spaces in our communities that allow others who don't partake in alcohol use to feel welcomed? If not, what can we do to create these spaces to help others on their wellness journeys? Or their journeys in life? Recovery, life, is about cultivating our own journey, but it's also about reaching our hands out to folx that need a lift. I think this rings true for everyone. Let's keep learning and sharing with each other, making each day better than the last.
